2:54 PM

Playing dead until the dark days turn into bad days. I can't get out of my bed, I can't.

It wasn't one of those usual nights, it wasn't a night if you ask me. I was breathing, not living.
With a shoot planned for the next day and a meeting wrapped up well a few hours back with some sumptuous dinner, it all looked like a cake walk when I walked back into my empty house. At least my heart was full. The business woman in me who lives everyday with an agenda was doing very well and it all looked very fine until the monsters under my bed came out to haunt me and choke me making it feel like the last day. My veins beginning to have the last laugh, my heart planning for a long break, my head going in thousand wrong directions like there was never a right one ever.

I had a fish bone stuck in my throat. My depression was a shape-shifter, which had woken up my insides churning like the mixi in my kitchen, which I never had. I had all the comforts around me yet I wasn't comfortable that night. Had I ever felt this before? NEVER.

All I wanted was to be on a call with someone with no words exchanged, who knew what I was going through without me having to explain what it was that night, but did I know what it was? NO.

Several calls made, none answered, no sleep achieved, a night of smoking it all up in the air and breathing it all back and screeching and crying to self with the hope of a new dawn, I had cancelled the shoot, sent a few messages, called off my work plans, tried calling sleep too. It never answered!

While the actual plan was to shoot life at a go in Calcutta with Agnisha Basak who I had only met once, the night before had a different plan for both of us.
THE REAL STORY had to be told and told in a way that nothing hides. Agnisha took it upon herself to catch my untamed demons and feed them and ask them to leave slowly. She entered my house to hold me close and erase the marks of last night while pushing me to create than delve into destruction.
What you see next is not a blogger, not an influencer, not a curator, not a person you say #Goals to on my social platforms, not someone you see at a coffee shop and want to get a picture clicked with to post it on your social media, but a real person dealing with real life issues one day at a time yet holding her head high and breathing in and out positivity. With social media taking over our lives, do we really live to live anymore?

NO sleep, NO make up, NO designer labels, NO re-touches, NO posing. NO pretense. This is the harsh reality of anxiety and depression and getting over it and leading a normal life the next day like all was well last night in a photo story that was shot right after I left my sleepless bed at 12 noon and walked out into my living area.
Next time, someone says "Please just be on call with me", do not leave them alone. We all need a wall to rest upon and on days like these, a strong wall is all you need.

Pictures by Agnisha Basak
Shot in Calcutta

Thank you, Agnisha x

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  1. Hope you don't have to feel that way again. It can get gloomy and numb, yes! But, you have great people in life to get past such times. More than that, you have you Devyani! You are amazing <3
    Also, I just looove the photographs. So good!

    1. Hope nobody does. Thank you so much Upasana x

  2. I loved this Devyani. Every soul has been through good and bad days. But when you have a lot going on your life, you get perceived as 'perfect'. I am sure as lovely as this label is, it is far away from the truth. Loved the way you narrated the truth. Much love.

    1. Thank you so much for being around, D. Thank you so much x

  3. This struggle is real!

  4. It really is hard to fight depression. Especially when you feel you're all alone in this fight and have no reason to fight. Recently, I started having nightmares and is too scared to go to sleep. I didn't know who to turn to, just wanted to talk to someone. But the anxiety keeps on telling not to bother people, I still did and can feel the irritation in their words when I tried to tell them what I was feeling.
    We are always on our phone, Facebook, WhatsApp, and many other social media platforms but we really are not in touch with each other.
    The way you wrote this article just left me speechless. Thank you so much for writing such a wonderful write up. ����

  5. coz m having a bad day since i entered the house in the afternoon, with my parents fighting with each other since then and im here headfones glued to my ears, coldplay playing on top of the volume and eyes glued onto my laptop over this. Sending you loads of love and blessings and thankyou for writing this again.

  6. Being alone is one thing, being lonely another. Wishing you no loneliness ever.


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